Life, in all aspects....is good enough that I do not come on here to complain on a daily/weekly basis. In fact, the only thing I can complain about is the stupidity of myself, and there is no one to blame but myself when it comes down to it.
I've got my friends, especially my teh ji. She has met my Dad and Linda...and that is a big step for me. Growing up, I didn't really allow my friends to spend time with my parents, mostly because they were usually fighting or the air was so hostile around the house that why would I want to greet them towards that? I find it kind of humorous though, that my really good friends, the ones that are my true friends...are not white. ;)
As far as my personal relationship goes with my bear....it is all well. I enjoy hanging out with his family, and I look forward to all the times we will have in the future.
Job speaking---Well...I have a job, and that is the most I can can positively say at the moment. I'm not using my degree, or my mind in a huge manner, but I am learning more skills and that will eventually get me somewhere sometime, right?
My health: Well...this is one of those 'stupidity' things. I am not healthy, I need to get healthy, and I need to start taking care of myself. I suppose I will begin doing this today.
I find it much easier to complain about things in deeper explanation than with things that do not bother me. Is this human nature?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
So this is it.
I've placed myself into a situation I cannot back out of. Several situations, in fact. I know myself well enough that if I feel uncomfortable, I will back out and diverge myself into something else that can be just as harmful.
I've disappointed my best friend, and I still feel like there is some pent up anger between the two of us. It could totally be my imagination, but it feels like each time we communicate, there are eggshells all around us.
Tread lightly.
If a complete stranger came up to me and asked me to go with them somewhere (somewhere meaning a trip), I'd do it in a heartbeat. This stranger could be a serial killer. My defenses are down, my walls are down. Why not?
I'm doing my best to deal with the unknown. It's a new way of dealing with everything, but I think i'm doing okay. Think. Know. Believe.
I've disappointed my best friend, and I still feel like there is some pent up anger between the two of us. It could totally be my imagination, but it feels like each time we communicate, there are eggshells all around us.
Tread lightly.
If a complete stranger came up to me and asked me to go with them somewhere (somewhere meaning a trip), I'd do it in a heartbeat. This stranger could be a serial killer. My defenses are down, my walls are down. Why not?
I'm doing my best to deal with the unknown. It's a new way of dealing with everything, but I think i'm doing okay. Think. Know. Believe.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thinking
I'm going to put myself out there, and love hard, love freely. Yes,i may get hurt, but what's the point of feeling if you can't express yourself? I don't think there is a right way or wrong way to love, but just love itself.
I know there are some out there that would highly disagree but I'm tired of going with the flow.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Insights by David.
The following is taken from a website I stumbled across, and it makes sense to an extent in my head: Let me know what you think......
Over the years I’ve learned dozens of little tricks and insights for making life more fulfilling. They’ve added up to a significant improvement in the ease and quality of my day-to-day life. But the major breakthroughs have come from a handful of insights that completely rocked my world and redefined reality forever.
The world now seems to be a completely different one than the one I lived in about ten years ago, when I started looking into the mechanics of quality of life. It wasn’t the world (and its people) that changed really, it was how I thought of it.
Maybe you’ve had some of the same insights. Or maybe you’re about to.
1. You are not your mind.
The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.
I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.
If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’s doing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.
2. Life unfolds only in moments.
Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.
3. Quality of life is determined by how you deal with your moments, not which moments happen and which don’t.
I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it — and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
4. Most of life is imaginary.
Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it. We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness.
5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.
Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.
6. Emotions exist to make us biased.
This discovery was a complete 180 from my old understanding of emotions. I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not. Your passing emotional states can’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of. The trouble is that emotions make us both more biased and more forceful at the same time. Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.
7. All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering.
Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly. The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad. What a cop-out. No matter what kind of behavior other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfill a desire or to relieve their suffering. These are motives we can all understand; we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness. Some methods are skillful and helpful to others, others are unskillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behavior is unconscious. So there is no good and evil, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.) Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.
8. Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.
Believing something is not an accomplishment. I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego. Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same. It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing. Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed door. Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.
9. Objectivity is subjective.
Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped. Every experience I have comes through my own, personal, unsharable viewpoint. There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration. This has some major implications for how I live my life. The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have this angle. Another is that I feel more wonder for the world around me, knowing that any “objective” understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me. What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me. Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all. This truth has world-shattering implications for the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.
Over the years I’ve learned dozens of little tricks and insights for making life more fulfilling. They’ve added up to a significant improvement in the ease and quality of my day-to-day life. But the major breakthroughs have come from a handful of insights that completely rocked my world and redefined reality forever.
The world now seems to be a completely different one than the one I lived in about ten years ago, when I started looking into the mechanics of quality of life. It wasn’t the world (and its people) that changed really, it was how I thought of it.
Maybe you’ve had some of the same insights. Or maybe you’re about to.
1. You are not your mind.
The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.
I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.
If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’s doing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.
2. Life unfolds only in moments.
Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.
3. Quality of life is determined by how you deal with your moments, not which moments happen and which don’t.
I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it — and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
4. Most of life is imaginary.
Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it. We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness.
5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.
Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.
6. Emotions exist to make us biased.
This discovery was a complete 180 from my old understanding of emotions. I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not. Your passing emotional states can’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of. The trouble is that emotions make us both more biased and more forceful at the same time. Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.
7. All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering.
Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly. The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad. What a cop-out. No matter what kind of behavior other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfill a desire or to relieve their suffering. These are motives we can all understand; we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness. Some methods are skillful and helpful to others, others are unskillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behavior is unconscious. So there is no good and evil, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish.) Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.
8. Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.
Believing something is not an accomplishment. I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego. Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same. It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing. Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed door. Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.
9. Objectivity is subjective.
Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped. Every experience I have comes through my own, personal, unsharable viewpoint. There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration. This has some major implications for how I live my life. The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have this angle. Another is that I feel more wonder for the world around me, knowing that any “objective” understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me. What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me. Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all. This truth has world-shattering implications for the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Don't know what I'm doing... but...
I'm going to use this as a learning experience... whether or not it's a lesson learned shall only be known in the future.
My ex and I are friends, but earlier this week we crossed the line. I say we because it takes two to tango, so yes.
If someone asked me what was going on between the two of us,i wouldn't really know how to answer. Are we back together? Officially, no. Should we get back together? At this time,i cannot say yes or no.
I've been doing something I never do, which is don't ask questions, just do. If you know me, you know this is quite the feat for myself, as I always want to know everything and why.
Hence, the learning experience. I am putting myself out there, and fully preparing myself for WHATEVER may happen. I may get hurry, or something else may happen.... I'll let fate decide... until then, I'm content at what we are doing now.
I would hope he'd have as much respect as I have for him.... we'll see.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Wow. I'm such a girl.
So....we hung out again last night. It was definitely an eye opener, and I'm really glad that this is a lot easier on him than it is on me.
Apparently he is surprised at this new found reality as well.
It's easier for him to turn on the friend mode and turn off any other feelings. I guess I was anticipating just the opposite. He never ceases to amaze me. The same goes with the scenario when we both decided to quit smoking. I figured the guy that smoked through almost a pack a day would be the one to have the most trouble---nope.
In any case, we are sitting there at BWW, and I am on my 2nd or 3rd beer. At this time, I start telling him that I have to be a girl, and ask questions. I get my answers. I am enthralled, happy, but sad....
Why is it easier for him?
This is what I wanted, right? And I got it...so why do i have this empty feeling in me?
I guess I can believe that he's just lying to himself, and this is really killing him...but let's not lie to ourselves.
This is what I wanted, this is what I got. We are still friends, and we can keep our emotions at that.
Now....now I can see the old Crystal coming out, or at least wanting to. "You don't want me? Well fine! I'll find someone who does!"
Looking for love in all the wrong places....tsk tsk tsk.
Eh.
Apparently he is surprised at this new found reality as well.
It's easier for him to turn on the friend mode and turn off any other feelings. I guess I was anticipating just the opposite. He never ceases to amaze me. The same goes with the scenario when we both decided to quit smoking. I figured the guy that smoked through almost a pack a day would be the one to have the most trouble---nope.
In any case, we are sitting there at BWW, and I am on my 2nd or 3rd beer. At this time, I start telling him that I have to be a girl, and ask questions. I get my answers. I am enthralled, happy, but sad....
Why is it easier for him?
This is what I wanted, right? And I got it...so why do i have this empty feeling in me?
I guess I can believe that he's just lying to himself, and this is really killing him...but let's not lie to ourselves.
This is what I wanted, this is what I got. We are still friends, and we can keep our emotions at that.
Now....now I can see the old Crystal coming out, or at least wanting to. "You don't want me? Well fine! I'll find someone who does!"
Looking for love in all the wrong places....tsk tsk tsk.
Eh.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I've found some peace.
So...He came over last night. I cooked dinner for him. I also found that we had come to a mutual agreement that we both decided being together was not for us, but to throw away the relationship we built (friendship) would be a waste. Therefore, we have come to a mutual agreement on something. Finally.
I feel better. A lot better.
I feel better. A lot better.
Friday, July 8, 2011
It's over.
I tried to work things out, but stubbornness has preceded that ability. That, and the fact that it takes 2 to work things out.
Here's to being single again.
Here's to being single again.
I could blame this on Birth Control...
...but I won't. I mean, I still feel there is a part of it that makes me think in crazy woman thoughts that only make sense at the time but....
I just had Him come and get all of his things out of my place.
All of it.
I asked if this meant we were over, and he allowed me to have the option of whether or not that was the case. Perhaps it is the times where I always say he could have someone who better fit his needs, etc...
But...There is just something about someone who imposes on my space, my place, and my feelings that I just can't deal with right now.
Then again, there was a fleeting moment where I could just say..."Yes, we are over..." and not have to deal with him anymore.
The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, and thoughts, and crazy women thinking. Yes, I said it. Women think crazily....sometimes I don't even understand it.
Now that i've partially cooled down from all of this, I wonder what lasting impression I've made on his family. I'm sure they don't like me, never will...but since I'm not going to be a part of it anymore, why do I care?
Birth Control: I warned him. It makes me irrational, crazy, and it's a season pass to a emotion of rollercoasters. Seriously. I'm not even done with my 1st week and I already feel the effects of it.
Why did I send him all those links to houses? I was simply daydreaming, wishing I had a home with a wonderful backyard...
And yet... I still demand him to stay at his place more than mine.
Mixed signals?
Uh, yes.
If I had a psychologist reading my blog, I'm sure he/she would have a diagnosis on me in a heartbeat.
I suppose it was the obnoxious way he gets when he drinks too much. It reminded me too much of Justin, a guy I dated for almost 6 years. Chronic Alcoholism....He's now in the 12 step program and already said his peace to me, but his actions will haunt me forever.
I know it is unfair to compare recent and past relationships, but isn't this just human nature? I mean....It's not that i'm really comparing, more that I am just being revisted by past actions...and it SCARES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME.
There is not much that scares me, but that does. I didn't see it in Justin until it was too late....
I guess i'm afraid that I would realize it was too late with Him before I came to the conclusion.
In any case. I'm on the fence. I don't know if i'm single right now, or not. It's the least of my worries. Right now, I have no one to talk to (damn work), and i'm feeling a little lost and scared.
So, i'll just put on my big girl panties, and pretend this isn't going on in my life right now.
I just had Him come and get all of his things out of my place.
All of it.
I asked if this meant we were over, and he allowed me to have the option of whether or not that was the case. Perhaps it is the times where I always say he could have someone who better fit his needs, etc...
But...There is just something about someone who imposes on my space, my place, and my feelings that I just can't deal with right now.
Then again, there was a fleeting moment where I could just say..."Yes, we are over..." and not have to deal with him anymore.
The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, and thoughts, and crazy women thinking. Yes, I said it. Women think crazily....sometimes I don't even understand it.
Now that i've partially cooled down from all of this, I wonder what lasting impression I've made on his family. I'm sure they don't like me, never will...but since I'm not going to be a part of it anymore, why do I care?
Birth Control: I warned him. It makes me irrational, crazy, and it's a season pass to a emotion of rollercoasters. Seriously. I'm not even done with my 1st week and I already feel the effects of it.
Why did I send him all those links to houses? I was simply daydreaming, wishing I had a home with a wonderful backyard...
And yet... I still demand him to stay at his place more than mine.
Mixed signals?
Uh, yes.
If I had a psychologist reading my blog, I'm sure he/she would have a diagnosis on me in a heartbeat.
I suppose it was the obnoxious way he gets when he drinks too much. It reminded me too much of Justin, a guy I dated for almost 6 years. Chronic Alcoholism....He's now in the 12 step program and already said his peace to me, but his actions will haunt me forever.
I know it is unfair to compare recent and past relationships, but isn't this just human nature? I mean....It's not that i'm really comparing, more that I am just being revisted by past actions...and it SCARES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME.
There is not much that scares me, but that does. I didn't see it in Justin until it was too late....
I guess i'm afraid that I would realize it was too late with Him before I came to the conclusion.
In any case. I'm on the fence. I don't know if i'm single right now, or not. It's the least of my worries. Right now, I have no one to talk to (damn work), and i'm feeling a little lost and scared.
So, i'll just put on my big girl panties, and pretend this isn't going on in my life right now.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Remember that last post?
I certainly remember that last post i had. I felt like I was going to explode with emotions. It all makes sense now----Aunt Flow came to town after being MIA for a couple of months...Thank goodness, is all I have to say to that.
And...on top of all of it, I was able to share my thoughts and concerns with my boyfriend. We are better now, because of it...at least for the time being.
Is that me being pessimistic? Possibly.
In any case, I am now dreading all of the future possibilities of my job, or even potential job. I do not see a future for myself in the position I am in right now, and was even approached today to take on a lateral move to a different location here in Nashville, but I do not know. I like to be the unique person, the one that has something no one else has. In addition, my phlebtomoy training has been coming along, and I wanted to be more of a autonomous individual in what I can offer this company I work for....
Hrm....We never know what we really want, I guess more than anything, at the moment, I want stability and also a better paycheck.
Does this involve me going to another company? I'm sure. But when you've been with the same company for 10 years....it's hard to leave. Sure, if I were to hear that I am getting laid off soon, It would be bittersweet. I would take the unemployment and be jobless for a few weeks, but then i'd be going right back to work somewhere.
Honestly, I really want to start a family. I'm finally saying it out loud, and yes, my boyfriend knows this, but I don't know how much he knows this. Totally ironic considering the fact that I've just started taking BC this past weekend....HA!
In any case....I've quit smoking, quit starbucks (well, not quit altogether, but no more triple grande peppermint mocha's everyday)....AND i've quit drinking an energy drink everyday.
I'm au natural now. It feels kind of good, but then it doesn't.
Am I subliminally prepping my body to encompass a baby? I've learned from my ex that if God wanted me to have a child, he'd allow it to happen. God obviously doesn't think it's a good time for me...not then, and not now. I will continue to patiently wait....
And...on top of all of it, I was able to share my thoughts and concerns with my boyfriend. We are better now, because of it...at least for the time being.
Is that me being pessimistic? Possibly.
In any case, I am now dreading all of the future possibilities of my job, or even potential job. I do not see a future for myself in the position I am in right now, and was even approached today to take on a lateral move to a different location here in Nashville, but I do not know. I like to be the unique person, the one that has something no one else has. In addition, my phlebtomoy training has been coming along, and I wanted to be more of a autonomous individual in what I can offer this company I work for....
Hrm....We never know what we really want, I guess more than anything, at the moment, I want stability and also a better paycheck.
Does this involve me going to another company? I'm sure. But when you've been with the same company for 10 years....it's hard to leave. Sure, if I were to hear that I am getting laid off soon, It would be bittersweet. I would take the unemployment and be jobless for a few weeks, but then i'd be going right back to work somewhere.
Honestly, I really want to start a family. I'm finally saying it out loud, and yes, my boyfriend knows this, but I don't know how much he knows this. Totally ironic considering the fact that I've just started taking BC this past weekend....HA!
In any case....I've quit smoking, quit starbucks (well, not quit altogether, but no more triple grande peppermint mocha's everyday)....AND i've quit drinking an energy drink everyday.
I'm au natural now. It feels kind of good, but then it doesn't.
Am I subliminally prepping my body to encompass a baby? I've learned from my ex that if God wanted me to have a child, he'd allow it to happen. God obviously doesn't think it's a good time for me...not then, and not now. I will continue to patiently wait....
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Something is missing?
So we all know, i've been in a relationship---but lately, I don't know if it is because I am just not wanting to be in a relationship, or the fact that something is trying to tell me something....or maybe it's just paranoia.....
There comes a time in my past relationships where I start to question the validity of the current relationship....and usually, I continue to go on with the relationship---and that tends to be the problem with me.
Now, I've got a good guy, but he's.....got issues. Issues, you ask? Doesn't everyone have issues? Well, yes! I too, have issues, but it seems that those close to me tend to all say the same thing: You need to find someone else....
Whatever happened to the old way of working through things? I am a firm believer that I WILL NOT find the "perfect" man....and then that makes me think of the conversation I had with a friend who stated that I should "never settle."
All this confusion starts the process of me wanting to be out of a relationship. I don't want to deal with all of this...I want to just enjoy myself. I want to be able to do the things I've wanted to do and not have to bear the consequences.
The more and more I type, the more I feel as though I should not be in a relationship, and those of you reading this, those that KNOW me will probably agree.
But...
In any case, I should not keep this information to myself, I need to go on and communicate this with my boyfriend. Yes? Yes.
It's unfair to not let him know how I feel, although you'd think the recent events that have happened he'd have some sort of sense that "something is rotten in the state of Denmark."
I guess that's a typical guy for you: They don't really want to face the challenges, or are just blind or stupid enough to think that everything is okay.
This is Day 4 of not seeing/spending time with him. I would be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy the time I've had to myself. It's been freeing, and uplifting. Yes, some of it is because i'm being stubborn and waiting for him to come around, but at this rate, that my NEVER happen.
Until then, and until I find the courage/time to write him a letter....I'll just continue to pretend everything is okay. After all, isn't that what most of us do anyhow?
There comes a time in my past relationships where I start to question the validity of the current relationship....and usually, I continue to go on with the relationship---and that tends to be the problem with me.
Now, I've got a good guy, but he's.....got issues. Issues, you ask? Doesn't everyone have issues? Well, yes! I too, have issues, but it seems that those close to me tend to all say the same thing: You need to find someone else....
Whatever happened to the old way of working through things? I am a firm believer that I WILL NOT find the "perfect" man....and then that makes me think of the conversation I had with a friend who stated that I should "never settle."
All this confusion starts the process of me wanting to be out of a relationship. I don't want to deal with all of this...I want to just enjoy myself. I want to be able to do the things I've wanted to do and not have to bear the consequences.
The more and more I type, the more I feel as though I should not be in a relationship, and those of you reading this, those that KNOW me will probably agree.
But...
In any case, I should not keep this information to myself, I need to go on and communicate this with my boyfriend. Yes? Yes.
It's unfair to not let him know how I feel, although you'd think the recent events that have happened he'd have some sort of sense that "something is rotten in the state of Denmark."
I guess that's a typical guy for you: They don't really want to face the challenges, or are just blind or stupid enough to think that everything is okay.
This is Day 4 of not seeing/spending time with him. I would be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy the time I've had to myself. It's been freeing, and uplifting. Yes, some of it is because i'm being stubborn and waiting for him to come around, but at this rate, that my NEVER happen.
Until then, and until I find the courage/time to write him a letter....I'll just continue to pretend everything is okay. After all, isn't that what most of us do anyhow?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
It's official.
So, when are we going to make this official? You know it's not official until it's on Facebook
It is official. I have posted on FB that I am now in a relationship with Andrew Bradley Norris. How long have we actually been seeing one another? Let's just say that our first time seeing one another was on a Tuesday in February...
There has never been someone I can stare into their eyes, and not feel weirded out, or worried about whether or not I have a booger hanging from my nose. I just feel comfortable with him. I don't know if I have tried to justify the fact that we are both older, and we both know what we want...but...it just works.
There are no complaints I have. I hope I can say this in the future as well...but there really aren't.
I just hope there are others out there that can experience something like this---it is uplifting, and wonderful and...yes, I'm getting cornier than ethanol...
To find a guy who doesn't mind your hairy legs, or that extra poundage that you have gained...or waking up to you and having sleepy crustys in your eyes...to have someone that makes you feel like you are the most beautiful person in the entire world, without having to do anything...that is bliss.
He cooks, he is so much more than I've ever had before in the past, and there is a small part of me that wonders when it will all come tumbling and crashing down, but then I remember to live in the moment, and to live in the present. They say you should always love with all of your heart, to truly live and feel, even if you get hurt. I agree. Why hold back when all of the wonderful feelings are there to be felt? I'm sure there is a point where that no longer maintains its validity, but...i have yet to reach that point.
I've been hurt in the past, as most people have been, but we learn, and we move on.
As for everything else...i'm just going to continue to take it day by day, and see what each day brings us. :)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Life is good, I can't complain
Seriously. Life has been absolutely beautiful to me. I cannot complain about the great friends, great people, and wonderful Family i have surrounding me. Although...it is not too perfect, can it ever be?
My Uncle David has contracted a bacterial infection that could possibly be the flesh eating kind. He's definitely struggling, and has just gotten out of surgery.
I do not think of myself as being a very religious person, more spiritual than anything and I found myself sitting on my back stoop, drinking coffee, watching my beautiful dog bask in the sun----i found myself talking to God.
While I don't consider myself to be religious, I still believe in God. I do not take the Bible literally, but symbolically. There are too many authors and too many books and too much time from each book to rely that everything stated in there is exact truth.
Yes, I had a conversation with God. I thanked him for allowing me to wake up every day, for the wonderful friends, and family I have, the awesome support system and the beautiful Earth around me. I also thanked him for bringing Andy into my Life. I truly believe that the 2 of us can grow stronger together through Him.
Religion is a organized system that has some crooked members, just like any other organization. I thought about going to a non-demoninational Church, but have not yet. I did share with Andy that I would probably bounce from one to another until I found one that I like.
I've never really had a relationship where I can be as open as I have been. I do not put on a facade, something I have said in past relationships, but this I believe...is the true deal.
While I do not normally practice Lent, I am this year, in conjunction with Andy. We have decided to not have sex for the passing of Lent...and while our relationship is still blossoming, I find it reassuring that I can share something like this with someone. Is it hard?, 'HELL YEAH!' However, I find that this is something that I have never done before in a relationship---usually it was all physical, and then I dealt with whatever else was along with that...settling.
I am not settling this time. There is no reason to settle. There is, however, a joy I get out of knowing that growing and challenging one another in positive ways is something I have always strived for in a partner, and I hope and pray that this is the one.
I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I feel comfortable with it.
I am in NO way the perfect person, no one is, but I strive to do what is right and best for the overall good of everything, even if that means I slip sometimes.
So, this blog is mainly about another change I am possibly going through. Away with the single woman and being carefree and often times, stupid. In with the new woman of learning and growing. :)
My Uncle David has contracted a bacterial infection that could possibly be the flesh eating kind. He's definitely struggling, and has just gotten out of surgery.
I do not think of myself as being a very religious person, more spiritual than anything and I found myself sitting on my back stoop, drinking coffee, watching my beautiful dog bask in the sun----i found myself talking to God.
While I don't consider myself to be religious, I still believe in God. I do not take the Bible literally, but symbolically. There are too many authors and too many books and too much time from each book to rely that everything stated in there is exact truth.
Yes, I had a conversation with God. I thanked him for allowing me to wake up every day, for the wonderful friends, and family I have, the awesome support system and the beautiful Earth around me. I also thanked him for bringing Andy into my Life. I truly believe that the 2 of us can grow stronger together through Him.
Religion is a organized system that has some crooked members, just like any other organization. I thought about going to a non-demoninational Church, but have not yet. I did share with Andy that I would probably bounce from one to another until I found one that I like.
I've never really had a relationship where I can be as open as I have been. I do not put on a facade, something I have said in past relationships, but this I believe...is the true deal.
While I do not normally practice Lent, I am this year, in conjunction with Andy. We have decided to not have sex for the passing of Lent...and while our relationship is still blossoming, I find it reassuring that I can share something like this with someone. Is it hard?
I am not settling this time. There is no reason to settle. There is, however, a joy I get out of knowing that growing and challenging one another in positive ways is something I have always strived for in a partner, and I hope and pray that this is the one.
I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I feel comfortable with it.
I am in NO way the perfect person, no one is, but I strive to do what is right and best for the overall good of everything, even if that means I slip sometimes.
So, this blog is mainly about another change I am possibly going through. Away with the single woman and being carefree and often times, stupid. In with the new woman of learning and growing. :)
Friday, March 4, 2011
Just when you thought it was smooth sailing...
This evening/early morning has been quite a rollercoaster for me. To begin it off, I had a visit from the ex, one of which I should have seen (and probably did, subconsciously) coming. He is not over me. I am saddened by this thought, because I have made a point to not look back, but only hoped that it would not come to this.
Just when I have met a guy who has awed me in so many ways, this complication has come into my life.---or rather resurfaced. Being who I am, I am honest to him, and in return, fear that it just may be the demise of the newly created romance. While I am not quite sure when he was hurt by someone who went back to her ex, I saw the fear and angst in his face when I mentioned how my ex tried to make a move on me...
It hurt, and yet I felt so guilty----why? I hate being the cause of anyone's problems, pains, etc. I usually go OUT of my way to not be that person....and yet, here I stand.
In addition, I also feel anger towards my ex----who gives him the right to assume that I am free and available? Granted, the discussion of me seeing a potential did not arise, this being because I did not want to approach the subject and talk about it---then I stand back and wonder why I did not want to tell him.
That brings me to this--i don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have (the Ex)....I know this may seem confusing...it may be the fact that it's almost 3am and I am tired...but coming full circle to the fact that I do not like being the cause of someone's pain.
So there you have it.
Question begs, from Potential and ex----I do not want to get back with my ex. He and I had our dance in Life, and now, i've got another suitor (so to speak).
The wounds are still fresh---i did not think they were, but having him around is not healthy.
In any case---i cannot keep on worrying about everyone else's feelings...Sometimes i get too caught up in that and then forget who I'm trying to ultimately make happy----Me.
Just when I have met a guy who has awed me in so many ways, this complication has come into my life.---or rather resurfaced. Being who I am, I am honest to him, and in return, fear that it just may be the demise of the newly created romance. While I am not quite sure when he was hurt by someone who went back to her ex, I saw the fear and angst in his face when I mentioned how my ex tried to make a move on me...
It hurt, and yet I felt so guilty----why? I hate being the cause of anyone's problems, pains, etc. I usually go OUT of my way to not be that person....and yet, here I stand.
In addition, I also feel anger towards my ex----who gives him the right to assume that I am free and available? Granted, the discussion of me seeing a potential did not arise, this being because I did not want to approach the subject and talk about it---then I stand back and wonder why I did not want to tell him.
That brings me to this--i don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have (the Ex)....I know this may seem confusing...it may be the fact that it's almost 3am and I am tired...but coming full circle to the fact that I do not like being the cause of someone's pain.
So there you have it.
Question begs, from Potential and ex----I do not want to get back with my ex. He and I had our dance in Life, and now, i've got another suitor (so to speak).
The wounds are still fresh---i did not think they were, but having him around is not healthy.
In any case---i cannot keep on worrying about everyone else's feelings...Sometimes i get too caught up in that and then forget who I'm trying to ultimately make happy----Me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Taking it slow.
So, it may come to a shock to some of you reading, and then again, you may already know, but i've met someone.
Not just anyone, but someone who connects with me in a way that I have not felt in awhile. The small things are the ones that really make me happy, and I don't know if it is the 'pre-dance' dating of trying to please someone and it will all go away after time, but....i'm not going to worry about that just yet. I'm going to enjoy everything and in the meantime, get to know him better.
I have a theory: A theory in which if you start a 'relationship' by fucking/having sex/focusing on the physical instead of the excitement of getting to know someone, then it will not work out in the long run. I can count the number of times I have done this in the past, and even if it is a relationship that lasts a few years, or several years---it doesn't work. It hasn't worked.
Obviously, I have feelings for this person, and care enough about the preservation of this turning into something else that I have not given up the goods. We even talked about the theory, and he has the same one. ;)
I'm not expecting too much, but not because i'm a pessimist, only because I'm happy with what is going on now, and *try* not to over analyze anything or rush into it. I'm not in a rush, but i am obviously in a position to live life, and live freely ;)
I still get scared if I think of whether or not this will turn into something serious, so that is why I am *trying* to focus on the here and now.
Not just anyone, but someone who connects with me in a way that I have not felt in awhile. The small things are the ones that really make me happy, and I don't know if it is the 'pre-dance' dating of trying to please someone and it will all go away after time, but....i'm not going to worry about that just yet. I'm going to enjoy everything and in the meantime, get to know him better.
I have a theory: A theory in which if you start a 'relationship' by fucking/having sex/focusing on the physical instead of the excitement of getting to know someone, then it will not work out in the long run. I can count the number of times I have done this in the past, and even if it is a relationship that lasts a few years, or several years---it doesn't work. It hasn't worked.
Obviously, I have feelings for this person, and care enough about the preservation of this turning into something else that I have not given up the goods. We even talked about the theory, and he has the same one. ;)
I'm not expecting too much, but not because i'm a pessimist, only because I'm happy with what is going on now, and *try* not to over analyze anything or rush into it. I'm not in a rush, but i am obviously in a position to live life, and live freely ;)
I still get scared if I think of whether or not this will turn into something serious, so that is why I am *trying* to focus on the here and now.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bipolar Bitches make me wonder
If the title of this blog is offending anyone, I apologize, and if you are reading this and truly are bipolar, or have the tendencies to do so, then....I apologize in advance. I am only speaking of one particular person, whom I have worked with in the past for several years, and I put up with her crazy stories, lack of self control at times (i suffer from that as well), and everything else in between.
So why is this bothering me so much because I have been unfriended? Because the mental capacities of some people and the irrational decisions they make in a 'high' or 'low' point of their life should be questioned with a sane head before making those decisions.
It's okay-i'm rather glad I will not have to read her rants and raves about how she's having a horrible day, or how people don't know how to treat her right, etc...The truth of the matter is....YOU ARE CRAZY. I don't mean that in an offensive way-just a way that Yes, I acknowledge that you have your moments, I mean...don't we all???
Ask any one person who has worked with this woman. Yes, they would all agree the same. She gets off kilter sometimes. Do we spend our lunchtimes sitting around talking about her and nothing else? No. We spend 2 minutes remarking how insane her latest ranting and raving is, and move on. Why do we talk about it? Wouldn't you if someone spends their lunch break screaming in their vehicle at the top of their lungs?
I know that being bipolar is a chemical imbalance. I know that there are things they cannot sometimes control, but I also know a drama queen when I see one, and also one who will use excuses to ensure their craziness is okay to be that way.
I am no psychologist, I am not an expert on the human mind, although I like to think I am, but i am Faaaaaaaar from that.
Facebook. My parents did not have to deal with this when they were in their twenties. Unfriending a person just because you THINK they are saying something (because I am a firm believer in going straight to the source instead of dealing with triangulation), is immature, and while I am thankful (as previously mentioned) that I will no longer have to read her bitchy posts, I did write her a message letting her know how I felt about her actions.
That being said, I'm perhaps being a drama queen, but I like to think of myself as a good friend, and if i've opened up to you, and confided in you, I only want the same respect. I would not do this to you. I would not make it public to the whole world...but I retaliated so because...well...I thought there was enough 'good' in this person to be a little bit more mature.
Sigh, Sigh, tsk, tsk. I have friends who would not do this to me, and take the friendship I have to offer to a better level then she ever could. That being said, have a nice life and try not to kill anyone in the process. :)
P.s. If you are one of those great friends reading this, I just had to lift this off of my chest. ;)
So why is this bothering me so much because I have been unfriended? Because the mental capacities of some people and the irrational decisions they make in a 'high' or 'low' point of their life should be questioned with a sane head before making those decisions.
It's okay-i'm rather glad I will not have to read her rants and raves about how she's having a horrible day, or how people don't know how to treat her right, etc...The truth of the matter is....YOU ARE CRAZY. I don't mean that in an offensive way-just a way that Yes, I acknowledge that you have your moments, I mean...don't we all???
Ask any one person who has worked with this woman. Yes, they would all agree the same. She gets off kilter sometimes. Do we spend our lunchtimes sitting around talking about her and nothing else? No. We spend 2 minutes remarking how insane her latest ranting and raving is, and move on. Why do we talk about it? Wouldn't you if someone spends their lunch break screaming in their vehicle at the top of their lungs?
I know that being bipolar is a chemical imbalance. I know that there are things they cannot sometimes control, but I also know a drama queen when I see one, and also one who will use excuses to ensure their craziness is okay to be that way.
I am no psychologist, I am not an expert on the human mind, although I like to think I am, but i am Faaaaaaaar from that.
Facebook. My parents did not have to deal with this when they were in their twenties. Unfriending a person just because you THINK they are saying something (because I am a firm believer in going straight to the source instead of dealing with triangulation), is immature, and while I am thankful (as previously mentioned) that I will no longer have to read her bitchy posts, I did write her a message letting her know how I felt about her actions.
That being said, I'm perhaps being a drama queen, but I like to think of myself as a good friend, and if i've opened up to you, and confided in you, I only want the same respect. I would not do this to you. I would not make it public to the whole world...but I retaliated so because...well...I thought there was enough 'good' in this person to be a little bit more mature.
Sigh, Sigh, tsk, tsk. I have friends who would not do this to me, and take the friendship I have to offer to a better level then she ever could. That being said, have a nice life and try not to kill anyone in the process. :)
P.s. If you are one of those great friends reading this, I just had to lift this off of my chest. ;)
Friday, February 18, 2011
Life is good, because I'm making it that way.
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius
Confucius is very Wise. Life, as we know it, can throw us some hardballs that sometimes seem quite unfair and very challenging, but I think that is the beauty of Life [at times].
It seems very recently, a significant population of those around me have been thrown all of this unfairness and curve-balls, and it is almost like Something, or Someone is trying to tell me something.
I think everyone should get personal satisfaction out of growing. Growing in the sense of learning from the past, and finding a balance between planning for the future but still living in the now. I would think that would be my overall goal of Life. I think that would achieve all aspects of my needs and wants in Life and still get me somewhere above average.
Confucius Say, Man who lose watch have shitty time!
Bahaha!
In any case, I will just have to keep on listening, and see if anything comes of it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Horoscope of the Day: 02/17/2011
Machinery you are using does not have the consistency or reliability you are looking for.
This to me, when I read it, made me immediately think of my vibrator. My horoscope is right! It does NOT have the consistency or reliability I am looking for. Well, reliability can change based on battery life, but as far as consistency? It's not the same as an actual human body.
I don't know why I bothered to start of today by thinking like that. Perhaps I'm in need of a good romp.
There are times when a single person, who is lonely, just wants the companionship of a warm body next to them in bed, no sex added. This is hard to find, firstly because most guys want to go through with sex if they are in bed with you, but also because if you have a guy friend who claims he is ready for 'just cuddling' it may be unfair to them because let's face it....I don't think guys are capable of (one in particular) of 'just cuddling.'
This is why I keep myself at bay. I tend to have those that are 'fixer uppers' come to my attention, and then those that seem ready to go...well...they are unattainable in my book. This is what fascinates me. I enjoy a challenge, therefore I place myself in a position of patience (The P-word and myself are long enemies, we often do not see eye to eye), but in this certain situation, I think I am doing the best that I can, given the circumstances.
I get the small joys out of life in ways that others may seem to be eccentric. That's okay. I'm okay with being a bit eccentric.
I still wonder about the ex, and the last time we saw one another. My heart and mind are not coming together on this one.
I was telling a friend last night..."take it one day at a time." It's hard to do so, when you just want to get THERE (the point in which you think you have 100% happiness), but let's face it...no matter how happy you may be with someone, that's not going to make all of your other problems go away. Sure, the hormones of meeting someone new may make you feel like you are floating on cloud 9, but the surreal part of it all is, if you still have problems, they are going to come out, eventually.
So, my friends, it is time to cure thyselves! Learn more about yourself before delving into a serious relationship, and if you are dating in the meantime, give the other person the common courtesy that you are not looking for anything serious.
That simple :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The weird stage after a relationship...if you want to call it that
I've been thinking for the past few days if its healthy to pursue a friendship/no strings attached relationship with someone who has also gotten out of a relationship recently.
I guess it just really boils down to whether or not the candidate is emotionally stable enough to do so.
I was counseled by my younger sister that the past relationships I have been in have ended with me being the one who makes the other realize that they need to get their lives together...I for one, am tired of being the prepper of these men.
I want a man who is already prepped, and knows what he wants from life. I need someone who has their life squared away and is only needing that puzzle piece of a wife in his life.
Unfortunately, I've been burnt at the idea of having a relationship that will result in marriage.
So some insight was brought to me by my younger sister...in my quest of figuring out myself and how to date, I am going to be careful of not falling in love with a guy who is not ready for what I am ultimately heading towards in the near future.
Until then, i will just continue having my friends, and building friendships, while still continuing to be honest with those that i interact with.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I guess it just really boils down to whether or not the candidate is emotionally stable enough to do so.
I was counseled by my younger sister that the past relationships I have been in have ended with me being the one who makes the other realize that they need to get their lives together...I for one, am tired of being the prepper of these men.
I want a man who is already prepped, and knows what he wants from life. I need someone who has their life squared away and is only needing that puzzle piece of a wife in his life.
Unfortunately, I've been burnt at the idea of having a relationship that will result in marriage.
So some insight was brought to me by my younger sister...in my quest of figuring out myself and how to date, I am going to be careful of not falling in love with a guy who is not ready for what I am ultimately heading towards in the near future.
Until then, i will just continue having my friends, and building friendships, while still continuing to be honest with those that i interact with.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Excuse the typos, I'm typing on an iPad screen.
The moral of every day is to live it as if it were your last....if this were truly the case i think we would be in a world of trouble that only entailed finding a piece of tail....
I wake up every morning, either on my couch, and then make a mad dash to my bed to hopefully get a few hours in and wake up out of bed to feel whole for the day, or I wake up in my bed, with the heating pad on full blast, not wanting to get out of bed. Either which way, I am finding it harder and harder to be motivated to get out of bed.
I'm sure this has something to do with my inability to shut my eyes and go to sleep after being pulled into yet another television series on netflix. This time? Prison Break. I'm sorry, but Wentworth Miller is one damn hot guy, and I can stare at his brooding face forever!
In any case, I need to start living my life that does not entail browsing on Facebook for the first few half hours of my day. There ought to be something a little more rewarding than reading post that I may or may not have rad only a few hours prior to waking up.
That's why Im blogging. Well, that and seeing a few iinspirational people who have recently began doing so and I find that this could possibly be a way for me to feel this self awareness that i feel as though Im lacking.
I wake up every morning, either on my couch, and then make a mad dash to my bed to hopefully get a few hours in and wake up out of bed to feel whole for the day, or I wake up in my bed, with the heating pad on full blast, not wanting to get out of bed. Either which way, I am finding it harder and harder to be motivated to get out of bed.
I'm sure this has something to do with my inability to shut my eyes and go to sleep after being pulled into yet another television series on netflix. This time? Prison Break. I'm sorry, but Wentworth Miller is one damn hot guy, and I can stare at his brooding face forever!
In any case, I need to start living my life that does not entail browsing on Facebook for the first few half hours of my day. There ought to be something a little more rewarding than reading post that I may or may not have rad only a few hours prior to waking up.
That's why Im blogging. Well, that and seeing a few iinspirational people who have recently began doing so and I find that this could possibly be a way for me to feel this self awareness that i feel as though Im lacking.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A whirlwind of....emotions?
I found myself swirling into the abyss of darkness today---with my thoughts, and then I thought....."Am I ignoring things as a defense mechanism?"
I'm sure the correct term would be "in denial."
Perhaps I am.
Self-Awareness. What exactly is it?
I'm not quite sure, but if you find out, please let me know.
I feel as though I lack in this area of Life---self-awareness is one of those commodities that apparently others (family and close friends) say I have, but I feel as though I do not possess it.
Over-analyzing, that's what I do.
Whatever happened to just scratching the surface of an emotion, and then moving on?
What's best to do? Over-analyze, dwell in the past, or live in the now, and get ready for the future?
It's a daily struggle for me.
I've been haunted by the words of an ex: "You will regret treating me the way that you did."
In about ten years (maybe not that long), I will read this and probably have an answer for that.
To date, I do feel bad, but I don't focus on feeling bad because if I did, it'd eat me up inside and out.
I always wanted to be part of the human mind psychology. Perhaps in the future I will be focused on that in a professional manner, however until that day comes, i'll just have to be an amateur about it.
Learning how to be single again.
For those of you who know me, or perhaps do not really know me, I am once again...single. (not that it has happened in the past weeks, this is a few months going now).
Yes, it is something that happens every so often among the years that roll by in my life, and I have never been single for more than a year.
Why? Because I'm stupid enough to find someone that makes my heart go pitter patter, and my loins melt without first looking around, and browsing the other candidates. In addition, my rush to want to get married has probably played a large amount into those decisions.
I have made it my goal to now stay single---for as long as possible. I'm hoping for at least a year. I would like to find myself, and to sew my wild oats, as it is. (not that i haven't done that before in the past, however I think i'm going through a pre-30's 'sew your wild oats' phase....Either that or it is just the recent relationship I have gotten out of that has made me this way).
In any case, i'm learning how to talk to guys, and well...let's just say that I'm not doing too swell in that area.
Why you ask? Well, any time someone starts to get a little possessive, I freeze. Don't get me wrong, I have made it very clear to every guy that I am not looking for anything serious. As a matter of fact, sometimes I wonder when I say these words if they are coming out in a different language because it seems as though they don't hear me say that.
In addition to that, I also tend to be sympathetic to some people, and that has not played in my favor at all. I do not like being known as a 'bitch' but then again, I'm also learning my way back into the social world of dating.
I recently found a book on my bookshelf that I bought over three years ago, prior to the previous relationship I was in: "How to Date in a Post-Dating World." It's actually quite funny, and somewhat insightful.
So what has it come down to? Myself reading a book to show me how to date? No, not really. I have always been strong on using experience in ones self to learn. It's the hard way sometimes, but how will I ever know?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year, New Ideas
I've been told recently in the past few weeks of how I am not a good person, I am evil, and I take advantage of people.
That I know, is a personal opinion, one that I cannot change in their mind, however it did make me stand back for a minute to see if it really was true.
The opinion is completely biased, as I was the one that did the hurting. I am okay with the recent thought of hatred (if you want to call it that), and while I believe in Karma, I am afraid of what it has in store for me for reciprocating the way I did.
In any case, rather than sit scared, waiting to see what Karma has in store for me, i'm flying by the seat of my pants, living Carpe Diem-style and in the midst of all of it, often forgetting to fully think.
I have always been a planner. Well, not always, but my later years in life have taught me that you must plan for the future.
Now i'm taking an approach of living in the NOW. Yes, I know there is possibly some easy happy medium that I can take and use, both utilizing the approach of living NOW and planning for the future....
How do you do it?
I'll let you know when I figure it out.
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